2024.

The year of demolition.

I have never resonated with the phrase “sometimes you have to be broken down to be built up stronger” until this year. This year started strong. I had the apartment with my boyf, living across the country - doing big things, had a well-paying work-from-home job, was starting a life coaching program, and felt like I finally found my calling in life. Life was good! Looking back it was pretty naive to think journeying into self-discovery would be fun, to be so perfectly blunt.

9 months ago I had my heart set on becoming a life coach. I did the course, the studying, research and podcasts, made the Instagram and website, made the posts. I graduated from my coaching program in April and shortly after, a friend reached out asking for more information on what I was doing. I explained more about how I want to help others who feel stuck in life by implementing habits in their daily life that bring a sense of self love, care, awareness and opportunity to live in the present moment.

I ended up offering to coach her for free because I needed the training. We probably met once a week for a month or so. As our sessions went on I noticed two things; Number one: how much training I needed and number two: that I was not in a place to hold space for others.

From February to May, my heart was set on being a life coach and helping others. That’s all I wanted to do. In those same months, outside of knowing that I wanted a career that helped others, everything else in my life was slowly crumbling and I had no clue what I was going to do.

I told my friend that I couldn’t show up for her the way I wanted to and stopped our sessions. As much as I wanted to become a life coach and make my vision a reality straight out of graduating, I just knew it wasn’t the time. I knew that I couldn’t coach someone on how to put out their fire while I was standing in the middle of mine. It was frustrating because I felt like I had just put in all this work, and was so eager to get out there only to fall on my face and not even be able to be what I envisioned.

The program I completed was centered around resilience. I chose this coaching program because my whole life I’ve been told I’m resilient and I honestly had no idea what that truly meant, I kind of just thought it meant I was strong. But I thought ‘if people see this in me, then I have it and want to help others build it’. Resilience isn’t something you have or you don’t. You build resilience within yourself through daily practices like listening to your intuition and honoring your mind, body and soul, forming a morning/night routine, eating for nourishment, moving your body often, etc. The program starts off with an introduction module and the first video that plays, I replayed over and over so I could copy what the cofounder, Monica, said. She said:

“Small change can present opportunities that can have a domino effect providing more choices than we ever dream possible. Through change we grow, evolve, become stronger, break bad habits, create new ones & create a more fulfilling, authentic life.”

Change is uncomfortable. Our bodies have a physical reaction to our attempts to change. Our brains are wired to avoid danger & at a subconscious level, all change feels dangerous for 99% of adults.”

I started the first module of the program and the whole time I was listening to it, I kept thinking about my life and where I was. The teacher of that module was saying something about living as your truest self, listening to your intuition and acting on it and I remember zoning out of that video and kind of having this conversation with myself and examining how I was feeling. I will never ever forget this moment. It was about 7 pm and I was sitting at our kitchen bar top with my headphones on, my boyfriend was sitting on the couch playing video games and I thought… this can’t be my life. The best years of my life couldn’t have passed already. I am so unhappy. I’m unhappy in my relationship, I’m unhappy at my job, I’m unhappy with who I am - this can’t be it.

Have you ever felt your mind starting to change on things you used to be so certain about? I literally felt like all the emotions/thoughts/feelings I suppressed were starting to come up and I was so scared. I was scared for things to be different. I was scared to accept that my reality and what I envisioned my life as, were two completely different things.

I envisioned myself working with the same company for a long long time. I would go to sleep dreaming about what my role would look like 3 years from now. What it would feel like to be important in a big company.

I envisioned marrying my boyfriend and we’d live this amazing lifestyle and be so happy and complete and disgustingly in love and obsessed with each other.

I would have tough days at work where I would just hate my job. Opening my laptop and sitting there felt physically painful. I would keep remembering my vision of being important there and I’d tell myself ‘if I can just stick it out for a few years, I’ll be in a completely different spot and it’ll be good and if I hate it then I’ll just stay with the company for at least a year before finding a job I actually want to do”.

In times where my relationship was at low points and I felt unhappy and unsure if it was what I still wanted, I reminded myself of what it could be. And my vision for the future and how good it would be then. I reminded myself of how good it is when we’re not fighting. I would think about how we were intertwined with each other's families and if we ever broke up, how sad my little siblings would be. “I didn’t come this far just to come this far. I did not put in all that work and effort and money just for it to not work.”

After a few months of doing this back and forth everyday all day trying to convince myself to be happy with what I had, I started getting really pissed off. I was angry at where I was in life. I was going through this course that was teaching me how to take genuine care of myself. I had a feeling that that was what I was meant to be and do yet I was stuck working 8-4 doing sales calls. What I was spending my day doing, wasn’t something that was helping people in the way I wanted to and that bothered me. It wasn’t fulfilling. I couldn’t stand it anymore; I had to leave. So that’s what I did!

I left my good paying job because I was certain there was something else better for me and I was wrong. After being unemployed for a few weeks, I took a hosting job at a restaurant, taking a $10 pay cut….

Only after I left my job did I hear the advice “Don’t leave a job until you have another lined up”. It sounds like common sense now. But sometimes if my mind is made up, it’s made up and there’s no changing it. It’s my beige flag.

I worked hours I wasn’t used to, pulled almost 12 hour shifts, started bussing tables just to get the hours, cleaned the exterior windows of the restaurant for more. I was so used to making a certain amount of money that it was literally a shock to my system and the realization of what I had just done sent me into a complete spiral. I was in disbelief. I was so anxious about finances that I felt like I couldn’t breathe. If you’ve ever struggled like that, you know how scary that is. To not know how you’re going to get your bills paid and if you can afford the roof over your head, figuring out how to grocery shop a cheaper way, not driving anywhere extra to save on gas. I have experienced serious struggle growing up, but never like this. This was scary. This was all on me. This felt like I was drowning. I had no idea which way was up, I was so anxious I felt physically sick. To be dealing with all my personal shit and working a customer service job where people talk to you like you are bottom of the barrel less than - it was awful.

I was so angry at God because I prayed so. many. times. asking for guidance and felt that it was right to leave my corporate job. I was angry at myself for putting myself in this position and questioning why I couldn’t have just stuck it out with my corporate job. I was so angry at myself for bitching about a work from home job that is so easy. That I stood in my own way and couldn’t make stupid phone calls.

I went from having a rock solid morning and night routine and feeling like the world is my oyster, to the complete opposite. I couldn’t wake up, couldn’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour, forget even trying to do the routines, I wasn’t eating - It was awful.

Then I got a letter from the state of Utah saying I owe $500+ for a mathematical error on my taxes. Right when I opened it I started sobbing like, what else can go wrong? Literally what else can go wrong?!

And then….

I got a fucking flat tire.

All the sudden I was angry all of the time and constantly fighting with my boyfriend.

When I met my boyfriend, I thought that it was meant to be. Like the stars aligned and it was destiny for us to be together. I had my heart set on marrying him. We dated for 3 years. All throughout high school and college I watched my friends have boyfriends, go out on dates, get attention from guys, experience what it’s like to be picked by the guy you want. I wanted that so badly for myself. I just wanted to be chosen, I wanted to be enough for a guy to look at me and say “hey, I really like you. I want to date you”. I wanted that so bad. My ex was everything that I could’ve asked for, 3 years ago. An old connection, someone I wanted so badly before.

‘The guy that I wanted to pick me so badly in high school, two years later, is picking me. ME! I’m finally good enough to be chosen. It’s finally my time to be the one in a relationship.’

And of course, because this was something that I wanted so badly for myself, I dropped everything for it. I dreamed about being a girlfriend for so long, it was finally my chance to live that. I made him the center of my life, unknowingly giving up a big part of my sense of self. I dreamed of being the girlfriend that was so sweet and gentle, strong, kind, loving, and took care of him. Cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, etc. So I did that. I got so attached to this vision I had of me being the perfect girlfriend in the perfect relationship, I was losing so many parts of me that I didn’t even notice. I wasn’t listening to my intuition that said “Hey.. So this is insane. This might not be good”.

For 3 years, my whole life had been centered around this guy and making sure he was okay, so when I started feeling unhappy, I was in complete denial. I remember one night, after weeks of this mental back and forth conversation in my head, I was in the shower weighing the pros and cons of staying or going and when I got out, my mind felt like it was going to explode. I thought ‘I have to go talk to him and let him know what’s been on my mind lately’. We talked, I was very honest about where I was and I knew. I just knew.

I knew that our relationship wasn’t meant to last forever. I knew that we needed each other for those 3 years and I knew that's why God made our plan the way he did. When it was time for us to face the world alone, in our own way, we broke up.

I walked away from something that was once the most unshakeable thing in my life. I was so nervous. I knew breaking up meant giving up my only place of safety and security I had ever had in my entire life. That alone made it so hard for me to accept that it wasn’t meant to be. And we talked so many times about break ups before we officially parted ways, I would tell him I never understood couples that broke up, got back together, broke up, got back until then. Because it’s comfortable. And it’s scary to be alone again. But that’s all it is, it’s just comfortable. And YES, it is scary to be alone.

Maybe we could’ve gotten married and bought a house and had children and maybe we could’ve worked out, I just wouldn’t have been the type of happy that I always envisioned myself being with my husband and I can’t get married to someone if, in the back of my mind I’m wondering what it would be like to be loved in a different way. Choosing to accept that the reality of the relationship didn’t align with what I wanted for myself, was so heartbreaking/empowering/gut wrenching/love-filled. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than ever agree to a marriage that I’m not seven hundred and fifty five percent sure on. Because THAT is even scarier.

When we knew we were officially going to break up, I was like K.. where do I want to live because I don’t care what it takes, I’m not moving back to Utah. I will literally sleep in my car if I have to, I’m not moving back there. Number one, I hate the area we live in so I definitely gotta look at other cities and see. But that means I’ll also need to find a new job. So I’m simultaneously looking at apartments and jobs. I applied to 50+ jobs.

I got zero interviews. Zero.

If I heard back from anyone, it was to say they have moved forward with different candidates. Mind you, my mentality was ‘what do I have to lose?! I’m gonna apply to anything that sounds fun. I don’t care if I’m underqualified.’ I used to pride myself on getting every job I ever wanted and going through this experience of applying for jobs that I was underqualified for and not being afraid to be told no, but applying anyways was soooo… empowering. Being told ‘No’ isn’t scary. ‘No’ just means it’s not meant for me, something better is out there. So thank you!

Now I was really freaking out because I only had like 2 months to figure out what I was going to do. That’s 2 months to find a new job, start it, save, find a decently priced apartment in a safe area, apply and move.

When I dream, I dream BIG guys! I’m telling you, once my mind is made up, it’s made up. Is my beige flag brushing across your face rn?

No jobs were getting back to me and I just knew I would end up back in Utah. That sent me into another spiral. Like, seriously God? I have no job and a broken heart and you’re seriously going to send me back to that state? I hate you. (NOT REALLY DONT GET MAD)

So, whatever. I packed my shit up and moved back to Utah. I will never ever forget this moment- Right when the plane touched down I felt like bursting out in tears. I was SO upset and SO heartbroken. Heartbroken for so many things. My relationship ending, coming back to a place I just ran away from, missing the beach, not having my own place, coming back to a state where people know me and could say “I knew it. I know her from years ago, that’s not who she is, this is who she is”. It was so easy to chase my dreams in Florida where nobody knew me and could judge or ask me about it. I could just be me and do my thing. This is why I tell you to move away from home because if you don’t, you’ll never get to experience how freeing it is to be in a new city, with new people, experience a whole different culture and lingo and a routine and foods. That’s besides the point. I told myself when I left Utah, that I would never ever be back and I was so confident in that. I was ashamed to come back. I was embarrassed that my relationship failed and soon people would know.

One of my friends asked me the other day, “Why do you hate Utah so much?” and I’m still thinking about my answer. I actually don’t know. She ate me up.

I think… It might be because I don’t have a home here. I don’t live with my little siblings, who are everything to me. I don’t like what I’ve been through here. I don’t like the culture. I don’t like the lack of diversity and weird looks. It feels like there is a constant need to be perfect and everyone lives in this bubble where we are all perfect all of the time except for those who have less than or don’t follow the religion or live differently. Utah culture is very passive, I hate it. Just be straight up when you’re talking to me.

I fell in love with the South because of the rich diversity and culture. You just come as you are. For real, go into Target in your Walmart fit, nobody cares. In the South, they say what’s on their mind and how it is and I love that. I received more compliments in Florida in one year than I have my entire life in Utah. I say this because I think it speaks to how Utah is. Looking different here doesn’t feel like it’s admired. It feels like I’m a minority.

I’ve been in Utah for 2 months. I can so see why everything happened the way it did this year. If I didn’t go through the resilience coaching program, I would not have been equipped with the right tools to help me navigate all the struggles I was going to endure throughout this year. I would not have been as open to allowing my mind to change and follow my intuition. I would not have taken a leap of faith to put myself out there and chase something I wanted.

If I didn’t leave my corporate job I would not have had to endure immense pain and struggle. I would not have experienced the lowest point in my life. I would not have had the opportunity to move home, where my siblings are. I would not understand the blessing behind my old job wanting me back. I would take my current job for granted.

If I didn’t leave my relationship, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to explore what else is out there for me. I would not have reunited with parts of me that I lost throughout the relationship. I would not have the opportunity to figure out who I am and what I want. I would not have the opportunity to let go of painful emotional experiences that I carried throughout the relationship.

If I didn’t move back to Utah, I wouldn’t have known how deeply loved and supported I am by my family and friends. I would not have the opportunity to rebuild myself in a safe/secure space.

I truly feel that I had to be broken down to rebuild myself the way I have always dreamed of. God said no.. clear the palette AND HE DIDDDD. He did indeed.

I am so grateful for that. Sometimes I have flashbacks of me in Florida sobbing and sobbing about feeling unhappy and being confused about every single part of my life. I felt so incredibly lost/alone/scared/confused. There were so many weeks that I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Being out of that, knowing that I conquered the hardest time in my life so far, makes me want to live life to the absolute fullest because there is so much good in the world and in life. I wasn’t saved by anything. There was no miracle, no person who could take my problems away from me, no magic life changing experience that made me feel gratitude during that time - little by little, it just slowly got better.

I prayed the hardest I’ve ever prayed. I don’t consider myself religious, but I do feel extremely spiritual and have a close relationship with God. Throughout all of this, before it got really bad, I felt an underlying feeling that all of these changes were good. When it got really bad, I was so angry at God. I felt like he saw me alone with all my struggles and wasn’t there for me when I was begging for him.

When I moved back to Utah, I started this job that ended up letting me go a little over a month after starting. The whole time I was there, I was extremely unhappy. It was very inconsistent and not what I was told it would be. When they let me go, I felt so relieved and grateful that the owner did that for me, because I would have stayed and tried to be happy somewhere that I didn’t belong. But I still felt angry at God. I felt like… ‘Can I just have ONE thing go right for at least two seconds? You see me, you see what I’ve been through, how I’ve called out for your guidance and help, yet you do this? I don’t understand.’

I texted my family group chat a screenshot of the email I received from the owner and said “Not even gonna lie you guys” “I know we have had a tough upbringing and stuff” “But this year” As I was typing out a text that was along the lines of “I don’t even want to be alive anymore. I can’t do this” my younger brother started a FaceTime call. I sobbed to him, my oldest brother and my dad. I said I don’t understand why God would do this to me after everything I’ve been through, that it doesn’t feel fair even though I wasn’t happy there and I did feel relieved. They gave me such great insight that I needed and I am so incredibly grateful that I have a family that I can call out for and they show up. Every. Single. Time.

This year I got to witness God's hands in my life working in ways I have never experienced. When that job let me go, I now realize that God saw me in an uncomfortable position and eliminated that from my life. It was almost like “Oops, let me just tweak this for you. You might be uncomfortable for a second, but trust me, you need this to happen.” and that is how it feels for everything else that happened this year. In the midst of it, I didn’t understand. But having a birds eye view of this year, I am so deeply grateful for my relationship with God. At the beginning of this year, when I prayed asking if the coaching program was right for me, I think he knew that I was ready for him to intervene and inspire change. And that I would be equipped to take my challenges head-on and make it through.

I’ve had a plethora of lessons this year, but my biggest lesson was to let go. Let go of that shitty job. Let go of that relationship that you’re just comfortable in. Let go of that thing you’re so dead set on that you’re missing out on everything around you. Let go of people's opinions and questioning what they’re going to say. Let go of needing to look perfect all the time. Let go of control.

My second biggest lesson: Be humble. Be humble enough to know that you don’t have to be right. Be humble enough to let your plan change. Be humble enough to ask questions and say ‘I don’t know’. Be humble enough to ask for help. Be humble enough to be brutally honest. Be humble enough to not force things, because if you have to force it, is it really yours?

There’s too much to experience in life to settle for a job that's just okay, a relationship that isn’t a love so loud it's palpable, to stay in the same state you grew up in, to dream without action, to live afraid to be your funny, loving, cute, adventurous authentic self.

Don’t be afraid of a demolition phase if it means living a happier, freer life.

Don’t be afraid that your struggles look different than your friends.

Don’t be afraid to change your mind.

Don’t be afraid to be different.

You are never too old, too young, too far gone, too inexperienced to change. It’s not the struggle itself, it’s your response that matters.