The Kassandralations

Last year was growing pains for sure, I didn’t call it The Year Of Demolition for no reason. I felt at a complete crossroads, unsure of who I was and what the future held while having a deep belief that I’m growing and don’t want to go back to my old habits, thought process and state of being.

I mean, I think this is just what it’s like being twenty something. We’re all trying to figure out who we are, what we want to do and be and it can be incredibly frustrating to navigate. I’ve learned so many things and feel that sharing knowledge is so important in every way.

I’ve lived majority of my life not knowing what is in my control and living life on auto pilot but figuring out what’s in my control is like a superpower. I can confidently say I’m proud of who I’m becoming, the people that I’m surrounded by and the way I live my life- things I haven’t ever been able to say before.

I just want you to know, you are more than capable of living a life that is authentic to you. It no longer has to be a topic that feels so out of reach and unable to attain for yourself. Sometimes what holds us back from change is confusion or lack of knowledge. Maybe I’m only a few steps ahead, but I would be doing us, meaning me and you, a disservice by not sharing things I have learned through my own experiences. If you’re ready for change but don’t know where to start because it feels overwhelming, I wrote this with you in mind.

Behold: The Kassandralations: My top 6 tips for living your best life

1. Girl, You Need A Friendship Break Up

Friends you worry are mad at you, friends that make subtle jokes about what you do, friends that gossip - those are not your friends. Those are actually people that you really really should not be inviting into your circle and telling things to. 

Through practicing self awareness, I have recognized how my thoughts/emotions set off a chain reaction. If I act poorly towards people, 90% of the time my mind is elsewhere trying to solve a problem. My poor reaction is due to the fact that I am not creating distance from my emotions. (See here for more info on emotion regulation: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotion-regulation).

When I started understanding how my thoughts and emotions affected my behavior, I began taking other people’s behaviors less personally because I learned that their behavior towards me isn’t necessarily about me. Their behavior speaks more to their inner world and what they are thinking/going through/etc.

Sometimes, really cool friends, friends that you thought would be forever friends, are people who unfortunately don’t have the proper tools to manage emotions in a healthy way. When we have people in our circle who aren’t happy with themselves, it shows in the way they treat us. 

Higher your standards for those you let in your circle. I believe friendship break ups are one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Friendship break ups don't have to be filled with anger and resentment. A lot of the friends I let go of I feel extreme compassion and gratitude towards because at one point in my life, they were important to me and I believe were placed in my life for a reason, but that doesn’t mean I have to hold onto friendships I’ve outgrown. It’s okay to let people go and not hold space for those who don’t make you feel like your best self.

2. Do It Scared 

Miley Cyrus won Disney’s Legend award in 2024. In her acceptance speech she says “Legends get scared too” (I love this quote so much that I cut out a photo of Miley and glued it to my vision board with this quote right below it). LEGENDS GET SCARED TOO. Go after what you want, scared. Go to the gym, scared. Tell people what you want, scared. Face whatever it is, and do it scared. Every time I’ve done something that made me scared, it’s worked out in my favor.

I had this one job where I worked alongside an older woman. She ran very stressed, so the energy she brought to work was very negative. Her energy started affecting my work and attendance. Some days I would call out just to avoid the negative work environment. After her stress got the best of her and she made an extremely inappropriate comment, I decided to speak up with the intention of creating a more positive work environment. My coworker was best friends with our manager so I was scared to speak up because I knew how close they were and wasn’t sure how my manager would respond to me complaining about her best friend.

I went home after a long day and typed up a long note. I explained how the toxic work environment was affecting me and I wasn’t comfortable with how negative it had gotten.

I went to work the next morning and recited the note I typed out on my phone to my managers. The whole time I was reading, I was out of breath from being so nervous. It sounded like I had just ran a marathon in jeans. My voice was shaky, I was sweating- I was so scared. After I got done reading my novel, my manager looked me dead in the eye and said “if we don’t want to work in a negative workplace, we probably shouldn’t be negative”. 

I went to my desk shaking my head thinking ‘how could she have heard everything I said and give me that response?’ I sat there for a few minutes then went back to my manager's office and told her I needed a mental health day. She looked at me puzzled and said “okay?”. 

I went home and thought about what had happened and ultimately decided that I deserve to work in a place that values me and the environment. The next day I turned in my badge, wrote an email saying ‘I quit’, quietly collected my things and left.

Walking out of that place badgeless was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I had no intention of leaving my job, all I wanted was to create a better work environment. So maybe the outcome wasn’t what I expected, it was even better. The relief I felt knowing I did something scary and instead of staying in a negative place, I chose to remove myself and find better. After I quit there I found my next job, which provided me the opportunity to work remote from Florida and I’ve made lifelong friends.

Doing things scared isn’t always pretty and in the moment, it may not feel courageous however, having the ability to not let fear stop you is one of the most powerful tools I have learned. Legends get scared too. But legends are legends because they did it scared. So onward, legend!

3. Change Your Mindset

I am naturally an all in or all out person. When I have my heart set on something, there’s no changing it. I can be very rigid, straightforward and blunt. The one lesson God continually teaches me: #StayHumble.

I was rigid about moving back to Utah. I prayed, begging God “please whatever you do, don’t make me move back to Utah, I’ll do anything, please please pleASE don’t make me go back there”. 

It was so hard coming back but I now understand why I needed to come back. I needed to be surrounded by my loved ones to guide/support/love me through this time in my life. (It really takes a village)

I know one day I’ll make my way back to the beach, but for now, I’m in Utah with so many people I love that love me back and there are so many memories to be made, success to be chased and things to accomplish.

I won’t lie and say there are never days when I cry for my ‘old’ life. Looking back to photos of me at the beach, skin on 10, curls are curling, at the gym doing CrossFit lifts with new people, it does hurt my heart a bit. But I have 2 choices, I can look at old photos, think about my ‘old’ life and make myself feel bad OR I can make the most of being in Utah. I’m surrounded by good people, beautiful scenery and delicious food (In-N-Out I’m winking at you). 

A glass half full mentality does not come naturally for me, in fact, I would say I’m a recovering pessimist. I’ve worked hard in practicing a glass half full mentality and I’m proud of it, It’s HARD work. The more I do it though, the more it becomes second nature and it’s improved my overall well-being.

I don’t necessarily think it’s bad to be determined for specific outcomes. It’s important to be determined when chasing goals and success just how it’s important to be fluid and roll with the punches. There will always be obstacles that arise. The obstacles aren’t the biggest problem, the biggest problem is your mindset and action towards the obstacle.

My dear sister in Christ, may I suggest a glass half full mentality? Take it for a spin. Try to catch your thoughts when you notice they’ve gone sour, take a (mental) step back and search for the good. It’s okay if in the exact moment you can’t seem to find any good, keep searching. Think about it until you find the good. I promise, it’s there. Sometimes it takes a little digging, but it’s there. 

4. The Gift Of Solitude 

I was in a relationship for three years and during that time I lost my sense of self from prioritizing someone else’s well being over mine, thinking I was exemplifying the ultimate form of love. In the end, all it did was create resentment in me. One of the things often said during my meditations that I love is: “the best thing I can do for you, is work on myself. The best thing you can do for me, is work on yourself”. 

I see now what Liza Koshy meant in her break up YouTube video with David Dobrik when she said “it’s the kind of stuff that I didn’t realize Tumblr quotes like ‘only time can heal’ or ‘you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else’ kind of stuff, I didn’t know those were real-they’re real”.

Reflecting on my thoughts/feelings/emotions in high school and college, it seems like I was walking around asking everyone around me “Am I enough for you? Can you accept me?” and trying to make their answers enough to fill my insecurities.

This is the first time in my life that I see the value in solitude. Through solitude, you get to spend time with yourself- discover what you like, don’t like, find new hobbies. You get to uncover thought processes and focus on solving why you think the way you do and act how you do.

Only through solitude was I able to excel my personal growth because I finally accepted that I am the only one who can fill my cups. Friends, family, partners, they’re all great and there’s a time and a place. 

“The more validation I need, the less discernment I have” - Kurt Hanks

Seeing the gift of solitude is extremely important to me because the next time I’m in a relationship, I want to be ready. I want a partnership, not an attachment. I want to feel like Anne Hathaway and her husband and be like ‘yeah, sure, we could break up and we’d be fine but we are together because we make each others lives better. We have our own lives and come together to have our life’.

Relationship or not, solitude is important and you can still find solitude while being partnered up. By Spending quality time alone you get the opportunity to discover what you truly think, how you truly feel, what matters to you most, etc. People are great, so let’s not use them. 

Here’s some ways I like to spend quality time with myself:

• Take a break from screens

• Morning routine (stretch, meditate, walk)

• Journal

• Read

• Cook

• Go for a walk

• Lift weights

• Watch tv (but very intentionally, not using it as an escape. It’s like a reward)

5. Be Intentional

Don’t just do for the sake of doing. Don’t wander. Coi Leray did not lie to you when she said “time is money so I spend it on a watch”. Your time is valuable. If you spend it mindlessly scrolling for hours or caring what other people are doing, that’s not very intentional. 

Let go of time wasters, sit down and recognize what’s important to you, it will free up so much of your time. I’ve cut out a lot of time wasters, YouTube shorts are my weakness but, I’m more active, built goals that I make time to work towards, strengthened relationships, found cool hobbies, and most importantly feel a sense of worth. 

What you spend your time doing matters. It matters, and it defines the type of person you are. Don’t just accept your life for what it is and think it’s just going to be this way because that’s the way it is because you are incorrect. If you’re intentional, things will fall into place and you’ll feel your worth. 

6. Eyes On Your Path

I know my boss is doing the work she’s meant to do because of the passion that radiates off of her. She’s knowledgeable, hard working, dedicated to the job, great leader, etc. When I think of her, I think of someone who is working within their passion. Someone who feels a sense of purpose with how they’re contributing to the world. I don’t feel that way about my job, and at times I’ve felt misplaced in a field with skills that don’t come naturally to me.

My friends are all in different career paths that fit them well. Most are married and planning for children soon. Their lives are beautiful and it’s a blessing to have friends that evolve and are open to change. Because my friends are in different stages of life than me, it’s easy to compare and feel behind on life.

I’ve looked at other people’s lives and compared it to mine. I’ve felt envious over materialistic things they have, their knowledge, gifts, opportunities, life, etc. Some thoughts are like:

My boss is so passionate about what she does and I wish I felt that way

My friends are all married and on their way to the next stages of life while I’m right here and trying to figure my shit out

Life would be so much easier if I was born into wealth 

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s so easy to look at your life and be bitter about the things you’ve gone through and where you are in life. I’ve learned that you have two choices, once again. You can be a wisher, or you can be a doer. A wisher will stay in place, envious of others but a doer is constantly in motion, striving for better.

My life is colorful, full of experiences that have shaped me into who I am. Your life is colorful, full of experiences that have shaped you into who you are. I like who I am and the experiences that have shaped me, even though a lot of those have been difficult. Acceptance is the true gift of happiness. Acceptance allows you to feel gratitude for what you have today. 

Maybe you have a goal you’re working to achieve and it feels really hard to be patient and continue working towards it because you’re not seeing any progress, but people around you are constantly hitting their goals and are where you want to be. Know that the hard work it takes to achieve your goals will make the success that much sweeter and instead of comparison, use it as fuel to continue going after your goal. Remember what you’re after, put your head down and go get it.

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Listen, I don’t think you can wake up one day and convince yourself to love yourself. I don’t think it can be forced. I’ve thought a lot about how I would write a blog about “loving yourself” or “finding your true self”. I gave you tips, but I don’t think it’s anything that can be taught. From my experience, it has to be a holistic approach. Looking at your mind, body and soul. You have to be ready to take a deep look at every part of you and accept everything you are with compassion and understanding while being open to change.

It is a choice to show up for yourself. When negative thoughts cloud your brain, don’t give into them and try to find experiences that justify that your negative thoughts are correct. Challenge it. As hard as it is, tough love yourself through it. 

I’ve had multiple experiences where someone has given me a compliment or recognized my strengths and I’ve thought “really? It’s just me” feeling undeserving of the recognition.

The more I’ve challenged my thoughts and questioned my self doubt the more accepting I’ve been of compliments and recognition. I don’t immediately try to find a rebuttal or somehow justify that the compliment isn't accurate. “It’s just me” is not an adequate thought to have when it comes to someone as intelligent, courageous, kind and kick ass cool as you. So don’t ever forget your worth, never lower your standards to fit inadequate small minded people in, do it scared and choose to move forward no. matter. what. It is an honor to be in your presence and have access to you.

Ameneth.

Hope your day is as good as you look sweet cheeks

Hugs and a million kisses 

Your friend, 

Kas