Surrender

If you’ve read my ‘About Me’ blog post you know that when my parents divorced, what little consistency I had and everything that was familiar became collateral damage. 

My mother along with me and my four siblings moved into my grandparent’s basement that has two bedrooms. My mother, my baby brother and I shared one, my sister and brother shared the other and my eldest brother had the couch.

When we first moved there, I was sleeping on the floor in the only available corner of the room, then a cot, and eventually a bed.

I ached for my old room, my own space, my friends, knowing where I lived. I regretted taking my own room for granted when I had it. 

When we moved, I was forced to leave behind my dog, my belongings, my decorations, my space, my own sanity, etc.

I was willing to do whatever it took to get my old life back. I didn’t care if I slept in a tiny corner of a basement, I didn’t care if I would eat or not, I didn’t care if I had to walk a mile to catch the school bus every day.

Whatever it took.

When I was living with my dad in that basement, I started staying with my best friend and her family on and off. I would stay a few weeks at a time, then go back to my dads for a few days, then go back to their house for another few weeks and so on.

I loved being there. Their house carried peace, safety, laughter, joy. In a way, I felt like I was playing pretend. I would think ‘this is what my life could’ve been.. Why is my family the way they are? Why can’t they be like this? Why can’t my life be like this?’

My best friend and her family were a blessing and I’ll never forget the love I was given by not only them, but their entire extended family. They became my second family; the amount of time I spent with them was, at one point, more than I spent with my own. Getting to experience a family that was so close with one another was so foreign, but cozy and honestly healing. They never questioned me, they let me know they were there, and they welcomed me like it wasn’t a big deal.

They will always be a family that I keep close to my heart, and I truly will never be able to thank them enough for taking me in and doing everything they did for me.

Those few days I would go back to my dads was a slap in the face of what my reality actually was. I would wake up in the corner of a basement in someone else’s home hearing a family upstairs that’s not mine laugh, talk and play. 

I would turn on Frank Ocean’s ‘Channel ORANGE’ album and wonder why I was made. 

Miiaaaammii, Amsterdaaamm, Tokyo, Spain LoOOoOoost.

I knew playing pretend with my best friend and her family was not healthy. I couldn’t keep bouncing back and forth and imposing on their family, regardless of how welcoming they were. It was not their job to take care of me and it was not healthy for me to live in such unstable conditions.

When my mother moved me back in with her, I was learning the hard way that it was best and necessary to let go of the life I once had. 

I held on to my old life so tightly, it had mental and physical consequences. I lost so much weight from not eating and felt numb to everything around me because I was putting all my energy into trying to recreate what once was.

As much as I tried recreating my old life, it wasn’t my old life. It was my old life from Wish. 

When I let go of trying to recreate: I made friends, grew a love for the area, found a job, laughed more, etc. 

Everything was changing and I finally chose to see the good in that.

More recently, I was working a corporate sales job that I was miserable in. 

I kept telling myself I need to hang tight for another year or so, then I can transition within the company to something better. I wanted to stay with this job because it allowed me to work from home, I was familiar with the industry and I knew if I could stay with it, I could make good money.

I probably cried at least once a week. I was being groomed to operate in a way I did not like. I had no interest in sales or having high numbers or following the script–It all came off robot-like to me and I hated that.

I was so miserable, angry, sad, irritated, drained—I just felt stuck and would get upset with myself that I even felt that since the job itself wasn’t difficult. 

I finally had a come to Jesus moment where I was like okay.. 

What the hell am I doing? I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t keep putting myself through all these negative emotions and for what? To maybe transition to a different job that I know won’t fulfill me? I know I was made for more; I feel like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle and I can’t keep doing this to myself.

3 weeks later I put my notice in and felt an immediate weight lifted off of my shoulders. 

The birds were chirpinggg, the sun was shininggg and the sense of relief I felt made me question why I didn’t do that sooner.

I learned from that experience that you will never lead yourself astray when you trust your gut, even though it can be scary to let go when you can’t see the full path ahead.

I spent a lot of time and energy questioning why things had to happen the way they did and I’ve always been met with the same thing:

There is no amount of fighting I can do, questions I can ask, anger I can feel, no amount of wishing things were different, that will ever change what has happened.

Learning to let go of all my questions and anger is a work in progress, to say the least, but that has opened the door for healing and making good out of what I was given to begin.

It’s taught me that no matter how much you push, pull, force, question or hold,

what’s meant to be will always be.

So you might as well practice surrendering.

Surrender and let yourself just be. Just be where you are, just feel what you feel, just listen to your gut.

Surrender to accept. Accept what it was, what it is, what it will be.

It makes things easier when you surrender.