About Me (extended version)

I have always wanted to start a blog. I love to write - hence my paragraph captions on Instagram. My 30 followers will thank me for making a blog instead.

You may have read about me on my website, but I want to tell you more about me so we can connect on a deeper level. You might be able to relate to some things I share, which may help you feel seen and less alone. 

Come inside, I’ll tell you a story called My Life.

My name is Kasi Kealani Evaga. I was born and raised in Utah and am the second oldest of six children. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters, while one watches over us from above. My parents got divorced when I was 15. 

Before their divorce, my parents fought. A lot. It was ugly and complete chaos. Their relationship was toxic and I grew up in chaos and inconsistency. I didn’t know that at the time, of course. Whatever conditions you grow up in become your norm and you know no different.

After the divorce, my mother and I, along with my 4 siblings, suddenly moved into the basement of my grandparents house. I was ripped from my childhood friends. What little consistency I had and everything that was familiar became collateral damage to my parents divorce.

My grandparents lived 45 minutes away and I avoided telling people at all costs who I lived with. I was humiliated.

My older brother and I attended an academy school for one day. In science class, the teacher handed out a textbook for the year. When class was over I gave it back to her and said “I won’t be coming back”. I hated that place. My mind was made up by second period that I was not going back, no matter what my mother said.

We were transferred to the public high school by my grandparents house, it was like a jungle compared to where I grew up. I felt like a total outcast. During lunch, I would sit in a bathroom stall or walk back to my grandparents house when I knew my mother wasn’t there. 

I envied my brother. He made friends easily and in the short amount of time we went to that school, I was ‘Noah's little sister’ although I didn’t mind that title. I took pride in that! My brother was cool and I looked up to him in many ways. When I finally made some friends, I had already made up my mind that I would be moving back with my father so I could be reunited with my OG life. I hated being an outcast. My brother moved in with his best friend and I moved in with my father. We were both back with our friends!

At that time, my father was living in his friend's basement. It had one bedroom and was less than 500 sq ft. I made a little space in the living room corner that was ‘my room’. I was humiliated by this but I would’ve lived anywhere if that meant I could be back with my friends and what I was used to. Life was tough then, but I was desperate for any familiarity.

Eventually my father and I moved back into the house that once held our complete family. This time this house was not the same. It was cold, scary, empty – a legit haunted house. My father was working night shifts so I barely saw him and when I did it was mostly in passing. He would buy me food if I asked, but I was afraid to ask many times because we were tight on money. Which also meant no using A/C. And not asking for groceries. I knew my only guaranteed meals were at school so I would go early for breakfast and when I would leave school, I would leave knowing I probably wasn’t going to eat again until the next day.

My mom would visit occasionally to drop stuff off to me, although she didn’t like to because it brought bad memories. Eventually she said I got too skinny, it scared her and I was moved back to my grandparents. Damn it.

I told her I was not going back to that high school I went to before. So, different high school it was. Yay.

Shortly after that, we moved into one side of my grandparents' duplex.

Once I made friends at my new school, I actually kinda liked it. It was fun, I found my group of friends. They were different from what I was used to, but they fit just as well. Little did I know I was making some lifelong friends!

I met a very handsome guy who I experienced love at first sight with. The unfortunate thing was, he had a girlfriend when I met him. High school is hard. High school love triangles? Bye. 

I’ll save you the dramatic details of that story. My short-lived situationship hurt me. I become heartbroken. Then high school sucked. 

I was so angry at the world after that situation. Angry at my parents for the life they provided me, angry for constantly feeling embarrassed, angry at everyone for giving my family handouts and my parents accepting them sometimes even asking for them, angry at being poor, angry at having zero control of my life, angry that my mom drove a mini van, angry for not being chosen by my high school crush who broke my heart.

This could be the start of my villain era. But it’s not. And I held on to all my anger, embarrassment, frustration, sadness, confusion, humiliation and bottled it up. I didn’t want anyone to know the struggles in my life and I wanted to be seen as normal. Which is probably why I got bad acne. sigh.

I graduated high school and left for college. At this point, I cut ties with my father and became loyal to my mother. My mother and I were more friends than anything else. She leaned on me much more than a mother should lean on her child for support. I partially raised two of my younger siblings and listened to every word she had to say about my father. Leaving for college felt like I was breaking free and could finally be a kid.

While in college, my parents were still in the middle of their messy ass divorce which I was dragged into by my mother to testify against my father.

Anything my mother told me, I believed. I had her back no matter what. I believed the things she told me about my father and never questioned it.

As you get older, you understand your parents are just adults trying to figure out what the hell they’re doing. You also realize where your parents messed up and what they could’ve done better.

Covid happened and I moved back in with my mother.

I didn’t like the way my mother went about parenting. I fought with her, screamed at her sometimes. When I was in college, we agreed we do better apart, and I sure missed being away from her. I would get so angry at her for how she treated me and my siblings, then I would feel so guilty for being mean to her because she would tell me her sob story.

My mother kept me on an abusive emotional and mental roller coaster and I began to despise her. I recognized her manipulative behaviors and patterns and then realized how much that affected me. Once that happened, I started to think for myself and challenge the things she would tell me. I reconnected with my father, despite the fights I knew it would cause with my mother.

As the oldest in the house among my siblings, it was my job to protect my siblings. I stood up to my mother countless times to protect me and my siblings. It hurt me to see the pain my mother inflicted. Parents are supposed to be the ones who protect, guide, love, teach and take care of you. When you notice yourself being more of a parent than your parent… What do you do?

I stood up to my mother one morning to protect one of my siblings, then we fought over text throughout my work day. When I returned home, there was a note on my bed from my mother. I was told to pack all my things and leave my house key on the table.

My aunt, Lisa, and her family, who were angels sent from heaven for me. They allowed me to move in with them after being kicked out. 

The night I was kicked out I saw just how destructive my mother was to my safety, security, well-being, happiness, etc. I came to understand it’s my choice and right to create a boundary to protect myself against anyone/anything that is harmful to me. So that’s what I did. I cut my mother out of my life. 

I realized then how much my siblings meant to me. Not that I didn’t before, but even through the turmoil of my life, we went through that together.

Now I was alone.

I had never felt true heartbreak like I did when I lived with my aunt. I felt so angry at my mother for taking my siblings and puppy, Poppy, away from me. I felt robbed. I was robbed.

I spent many days tucked away in my room at my aunts. While they were so kind and welcoming, I always felt like I had to put on a front like I was okay, as if they didn’t know the absolute shit show I was in. I knew they wanted to help and encouraged me to let me emotions out, but I’d spent my whole life bottling emotions up, I didn’t feel comfortable ugly crying in front of them. It felt too painful to even sit with myself and feel all the feelings I had, it was easier to put on a brave face and say “I’m just tired, that’s why I’ve been in my room all day”.

Remember my high school crush that broke my heart?

Meet my boyfriend Eric!!

Life is ridiculous.

Eric and I had been dating for 2 years by the time I was living with my aunt. He moved to Florida when he received a football scholarship. It was already my plan to move there eventually, but once I was kicked out, that eventually turned into ASAP.

The only thing I had to look forward to was moving to Florida. I knew once I moved to Florida it was going to be a new chapter in my life. So many opportunities to heal and become something better. I couldn’t wait.

6 months later I moved to Florida and did exactly what I promised myself.

Here I am today writing to you from Florida!

I always believed throughout the obstacle’s life had for me, I would come out the other end. I never let my life experiences define me. I never let it be an excuse. There were many things that happened that were out of my control and as frustrating as that was, what got me through it was my mentality (resilience), finding support and helping others. I found fulfillment in giving my friends advice, helping people at my job, taking care of my siblings, etc.

Instead of thinking “Wow my life is shit I hate everything” I thought “Wow my life is shit, this is gonna make such a good movie”. It’s just like that time my family and I got into a car crash in the pouring rain when I was younger, our car hydroplaned across the entire freeway and was totaled. Instead of being sad, I turned to my little brother and said “We’re gonna be on TV!!” 

The older I’ve gotten and the more people I’ve met I’ve realized how life is. Life isn’t fair. It’s not what life gives you that matters, it’s what you do with it. Is that cheesy? It is. But I’m keeping it because it’s true.

I craved structure because that’s what I needed throughout my life. When life kicked my ass, I leaned on my support system, the making of my good movie and helping others. 

I chose to become a coach and help others build more resilience in themselves and create structure in their life because those are two things that saved me. That launched me forward and changed my life from “One day I will be…” to “I can’t believe I am…”. I understand the value and how impactful your resilience and structure are to life. Your approach to life and navigating its challenges get handled differently when you have the correct tools that actually work for you.

The things that happen to you do not define you and you have the choice to make something out of what you were given. You were made for more. Resilience is not something you’re born with, it’s a skill that you practice over and over. Remember Newton's first law? An object at rest, stays at rest and an object in motion, stays in motion.

You may be at rest, but you are never stuck.